Jack

Earlier this evening, I was trying to jack up. This is a taboo topic where I come from, but I do know some women, from where I was from, who are open about it and I was actually just glad that they do the same. Thing is, women do this. Maybe same thing why men does it, before you start a day or just before going to sleep to make one sleepy. I used to do it if I toss and turn after being in bed in an hour and cant get sleep. It works for me. And I'd usually visualise a guy going down on me while I do it. For me it usually intensifies it. Thing is, I usually visualise with the last person who did it to me. Which is now my ex. And while I was doing it, I just cant seem to reach that point where I would be just ecstatic. For once I can't. Even when I began to think of the men who did it to me... it was a friggin failure. Maybe I'm learning my lesson not to exactly rely on men even for my simplest pleasure.

Selfies

And when you post a selfie or whatever photo that seems you're doing fine by your own on Facebook, hoping that your Ex would see it, does it seem really pathetic? Sometimes I do. Specially when I dont post a photo of myself often.

Procrastinations

I said I won't pour myself a wine tonight... Well, I did I'm having one now. I've been procrastinating too much lately about putting up notes about my last trip. I think my notes would be very helpful for future Sri Lanka travelers on a budget mode.

But looking around how messy my room is, and how I've written down an entire eulogy about my past relationship, I don't feel like writing my travel.. for now. No worries, I have notes for each day that passed by. All accounted for. For now I want to write my ghostly turmoils. I want to let go first of this feeling gnawing inside me. The eulogy I mentioned was something I had intended for a blog entry yet, I wrote it on my notebook while downing a liter of Lowenbrau in an Octoberfest thingy going on in Barasti... so maybe not ideal. I'll just look at that as a means of another avenue for letting go. At least it's good we have these options or means to do when we cope up with moving on.

But is it really good to dwell like what I'm doing right now? I think so. I'm not an expert really when it comes to relationships but, everyone gets hurt at least once in their life, right? With all of the things that happened to me, I now realised it maybe good to actually feel each and every hurt fiber so that it can fully integrate within yourself, and then learn from it. Otherwise it will just become a cycle, just repeating it over the next guy that comes along. I've always say I will never repeat what I did the last time, but thing is sometimes when you're in the zone, in that moment... you tend to forget. Then regret too late about everything you did not want to happen. I think those past moments I never did learn. I chose to forget. But not this time.

Perhaps I've forgotten myself in the process. I wanted the relationship so bad, I think, that I've actually looked past the essential things about how I should be valuing myself first. In the course of my short-lived relationship, I've looked over that fact what attracts a man in the first place: a woman's magnetic personality. What us women as an individual makes us unique. I dare say I'm an interesting person. But my fault lies once I become attached with a man. I have a lot of excuse for myself like I haven't been in a relationship for a long time or that before I came here in Dubai, I haven't really gotten a lot of attention or interest from men... maybe they're valid. Maybe not. Thing is, it all boils down to me. How we handle or guide the relationship. It's never a good thing to give in to all the desires of that one single moment. After breaking up, I realised we didn't really have anything much in common. I got caught up in just wanting to make it work because he showed interest and attention initially. With all the time spent, all the conversations, there was really no connection. Maybe given my track record of relationships, I never did able to realise how important it is to make foundations in a relationship. I was never able to do that. I lived on the whims of the moment. Never really thought about the consequences or the whiplash of my then current actions of riding the waves too fast.

When I look back, I think I find all the faults now. I look back but I don't miss the guy; I just miss the moments. The moments when I wake up next to him and when you both realised you're both a bit awake, he hugs me close to him. Or when we're in the kitchen, him cooking something for me and he would just turn around and scoops my face to kiss me. Or just when we're snuggling and he would look me in my eyes and say how beautiful I am... it's those moments, that I will keep forever with me. Those are the ones that stayed with me even during the times our differences started to piled up. Thing is, I all wanted those things, those experiences. perhaps I was looking too closely on it that I forgot it was important that I also have to realise if this is what he wants. I thought that me spending so much time with him was actually something that he also wants. But apparently not. I had to know from someone he's becoming too suffocated with our times together. Maybe I'm not making sense because I havent exactly shared anything what caused me to be here at this moment. And honestly there's a lot. But I guess what I'm trying to say now is that, sometimes we look closely on what we want. Sometimes, we look past on what's important... which should begin from us, and not from the person we are with. Like, what's important is, we never should forget who we are. Who you are, just because you love the person you are with. Don't ever forget that.

Maybe that's why I'm thankful it happened, and that it happened with him. Because of my experience with that guy, I get to see everything what I need to work on for myself. I'm angry at him for all the things he did, but I got to see all the negative stuff I had to work on for myself as well. I could blame him but at least I'm mature enough to realise that it takes two to tango, because I also had mine. Being with him, my experience with this relationship opened up a whole new perspective about my life. About how I am. And that's how it should be when we move on past a significant chapter. Take in all the bad, the hurt, learn, and grow from it. I miss being with him, but not who he is. When I went to Mirissa in Sri Lanka, I realised that. There were many couples there on holiday and I didnt feel bad I was alone. Seeing those couples, sure there was envy. That I wish I also have that. But thing is, he would have been the person I'd be with during my trip, if our schedules aligned when I booked the ticket. But it was not meant to happen... I went on my own. And seeing those couples on vacation, I realised I loved how I was able to do my trip on my own. If he had been with me, it would be a different story because I know we have different take on travels and for sure I would just have agreed on what he would have wanted to do. I wouldnt want to be with someone who doesnt exactly get me for what I am. And that has become my holding chip now - it really is important to be with someone who you truly can connect with. Outside the lust, the initial attraction, it is always important how you are together, what both people can connect with each other.

It sucks that I have to pass by where he lives whenever I go home from work, I cant help but look at it and just say fuck you every time. I still hate him at this moment. Yet I miss our times. I miss him. But at least now I think this is better. Better for me, maybe better for him as well.

Resurrection

I nearly thought they've buried this alive. I mean I created this 4 years ago and practically wrote nothing afterwards.

It's good to know it's still here, specially I like this name so much. One Trail, just perfect.

Strange because I know, when I first started this I never would have thought that I would be thousand miles away from where I grew up to when I finally do my second post. Well, I never even realised 4 years has gone and passed by. A lot has changed. My outlook in life, people I know, and how I perceive things to be. I know I'me a changed woman, yet at times I still feel a little bit naive.

But I am glad. This is a new beginning for me.

After the blunders, heartaches I've experienced, people who has let me down... I've gone up again. Even went on a solo travel, which the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Well, I'll write each and everything. Maybe I'll write my travel first, better when it's still fresh in my mind.

And then the other ones next. I find it important for me to let it out so I can truly move.

The Past and Present Trails

My original blog is closing. Maybe because lacking funds already? They have been notifying its users since last month and now I finally sat here to deal with it. I realize, that from when I started it only had 6 pages. 6 pages for 4 years. I guess I got lazy. Only writing when I felt the need to. I thought, shall I transfer all of those here?

And I thought... nah. It's nice to reminisce good old times and gloat how clever I had written about something. But I don't think I would want to go through each and every word that has my pain. Maybe it was time for it to go.

And so I shall start anew.

And where shall I start? Well, I shall reminisce then. Go back to all the wonderful places and trails I have been to.

And this is where my journey begins. :)